Living with Loneliness
Written by: Jill Di Donato
Loneliness can be elusive, nagging, and painful. But it’s also a feeling, and as such it comes and goes. Often, the most unpleasant thing about loneliness is just this—how it creeps up, which many times feels involuntary. Loneliness can be situational, like when you are physically distanced from others. It can also be a state of mind. How often have you found yourself lonely when surrounded by people?
The Slow Beauty Journal reached out to mental wellness experts to explain how to manage feelings of loneliness with daily practices.
We tapped Akua Boateng, Ph.D, a licensed psychotherapist with over 13 years of experience in clinical practice and education. She is part of the DRK Beauty Healing network, a mental health and wellness non-profit organization that supports women and non-binary people of color. We also spoke to Adrianne Fiala, LCSW, a mental health counselor at a private high school in New York.
What Is Loneliness?
There’s a big difference between loneliness and being alone.“When our need for connection and closeness is not satisfied, we feel alone in the midst of our pain,” explains Boateng. “It is disheartening.”
Cultivating alone-time is important, fruitful work. “It’s important to enjoy being by yourself,” says Fiala. “Loneliness, on the other hand, is feeling disconnected for extended periods of time.” A 2019 research study published by Springer Nature indicates that loneliness is linked to feelings of social isolation, and is associated with poor social skills, introversion, and depression.
Once you can differentiate between the two, you can more easily shift between feelings. “Sharing your struggles with others is a solid way to feel seen and heard,” explains Boateng. “When we are seen and heard, feeling alone is less likely.”
Fiala says the pandemic has made her think about loneliness and how we use social media a lot. “In this time when we couldn’t be together we used the internet and devices to be connected. And there are some people who have felt more connected by this, and others who have felt less.” If social media relationships aren’t working for you, or making you feel less connected, her advice is to take a break. “Disconnecting from all that might make you feel less lonely.”
“Is your mind full or are you being mindful?”
How to Shift the Perspective
Shifting your perspective on loneliness can make a huge difference in how you experience its associated feelings of discomfort. As we mentioned above, don’t conflate being alone with feelings of loneliness. Loneliness and solitude are two different things. Do, however, ask yourself, says Fiala, “Are you unhappy when you’re alone? Or do you enjoy alone time?”
You might surprise yourself with the answer. Many times, doing something alone elicits many of the same positive feelings from an activity as it does when you do that activity with other people. You can try that practice out for yourself to educate yourself. The main idea here is to recognize your choice in the matter. “What types of activities are you choosing for yourself?”
Boateng points out connecting is a key step in shifting feelings of loneliness. “Start with connecting with yourself. What makes you feel alive, excited, satisfied? Find that and then seek to share this with others.”
Fiala notes that to shift your perspective, consider the difference between mind full and mindful. “Picture yourself walking down the street. There’s a dog barking and a car horn sounding. What’s in your thought bubble? Are you thinking about war or your boss being upset? Is your mind full? Or,” she says, “are you being mindful? Are you noticing the dog barking, the car horn sounding?” Mindfulness helps ground you in the present moment and allows you to experience the breadth of your environment.
Daily Practices to Make Manage Feelings of Loneliness
Being present and mindful also helps focus your attention, or as Fiala calls it, “your thought bubble.” When you’re focussed on the present moment and your environment, you are immediately contextualized within a community.
Fiala likes to tell people to find their communities and actively choose things where you’ll be engaging with others. This doesn’t have to be community service, though that’s one option. Going for a mindful walk or walking meditation can be a community activity depending on your perspective.
Actively engage with nature to help you connect with mindfulness practices to manage loneliness. “I love a practice that starts every day with looking at the sun for the first thing you do,” says Fiala.
[SLOW BEAUTY TIP: Use all of your five senses to connect with nature, and place yourself within the universe.]
Notice things like new foliage on trees, an aroma carried by flowers are small daily practices to connect you with nature and the universe, helping you to feel at ease with where you’re at. “When you find something that you gravitate towards,” says Fiala, “try to find where you can get more of that.” Caring for yourself in these incremental ways can help you navigate lonely feelings.
After connecting with yourself and finding something that excites you, Boateng urges people to then connect with others around that excitement. “Try affinity groups like meet up groups, painting classes, or reconnecting with old school friends.”